New Spokesman for Collins Road Theater

We have a great movie theater near our neighborhood that shows free movies for kids whenever school is out. Last year, three of our summer daycare kids were recruited to appear in a commercial for the theater, and they were excited when they found out it is showing again this summer. It was produced by Mediacom, so it airs on several of their youth-oriented channels. After they put it together, they emailed me a copy, so I thought I'd post it here.

(Don't blink or you might miss them - they are in the back row of the group of kids who are happy when the announcer says "throw in some kids, then, make it all free" - Harrison is pretty much right in the middle of the group, so he's easy to spot.)

For the 10:00 am free movies, they open the doors at 9:15 am. We try to get there right as the doors open. Timing is critical in developing a strategy for survival at any free activity for children. At this particular event, I have learned that most people will wait until 9:50 before arriving with their group of 10 or more children (and they are consistently surprised at the difficulty they have finding seats together). Groups of three to five people will arrive at 10:05, similarly confounded that the best seats are already taken.

Invariably, a free family activity draws more than the diligent parents who have taught their children proper audience etiquette. In fact, many of the adults who attend these events clearly didn't have such schooling themselves, as evidenced by their decision to bring newborns and small toddlers to the movie, and their steadfast determination to remain in the auditorium, regardless of how loudly said child screams, cries or otherwise expresses its discontent.

The completely clueless parents (who have seemingly lost the ability to discern the sound of their child's cries and thus make no effort to silence them) are actually less disruptive than those who make a half...HEARTed effort to restore silence. These partially-clued parents will loudly say "SHHHH!" every minute or two. When that doesn't work, they resort to a full-volume conversation with the infant child, trying to reason with it, sometimes explaining the plot - as if they believe the baby is crying not because the dark room filled with strangers and loud sounds is an unpleasant atmosphere for a baby, but rather because they didn't pick up on the subtle nuances of storyline.

Sometimes these parents, when (if) they notice the glares and exasperated sighs of fellow movie patrons, actually rise with the child, and battle their way to the aisle (they always seat themselves as far from the aisle as possible, thus ensuring at least 10 other audience members will spend a good portion of the movie dodging their derriere as they pass to and fro with their crying child).

At this point, the rest of us in the audience breathe a sigh of relief, thinking the screaming creature will soon be in the hallway or outside the building, soaking up bright lights and fresh air, and the rest of us will once again be able to hear the movie.

No matter how many times this happens, I still allow myself to experience that small ray of hope. This hope is inevitably dashed, however, as the parent stops just inside the doors, then turns to watch the movie from the back of the theater.

There seems to be a common misconception that the area just inside the theater doors is the equivalent of a cone of silence, and that, by standing in this mystical zone, you can render yourself and your child invisible and unable to be heard.

Believing herself to be invisible, the parent is now impervious to angry glares, and generally continues to stand and bounce the child, which creates a rhythmic "WAAaaaAAaaaAAaaaAAaaah" which echoes down the aisle. A practiced theater goer can learn to incorporate this pulsating WAH into the soundtrack of nearly any film, granting a peculiar film noir effect to even the most brightly colored animated film.

Ah well, at least it's free!