Friends and family! Take a moment out of your lives and real issues of significance and counsel me! Please!
Falling under the category of "in the scheme of things, a truly insignificant issue", is my frustration du jour.
I have a church friend who is also on my Facebook friends list. We'll call her Judy (for the record, Judy does not track this blog, so this is not a passive-aggressive attack on Judy - just me seeking counsel from my loved ones).
Judy has really been a great friend to me since we reconnected at church, and Julio and I enjoy doing things with her and her husband. Judy is not a completely happy person, and she is overly frank and honest about that. She complains in writing and verbally about her husband and children, often in their presence. She yells at her children in the hallways of church, not for misbehaving, but for "annoying" her (by doing things like trying to get her attention with a picture they drew for her).
For the record, Judy has a wonderful husband and kids, and most women would envy her (not me - I've got mine!). It has grown increasingly difficult to stand witness to what I believe are abusive attitudes and behaviors toward her family. I try to "gently guide" her with my own observations of the privilege of motherhood, and pointing out what a great family she has, but in the end it is not my place to step in, and her husband is strong and brilliant in his own right, so I am hoping he does mitigate things "behind the scenes".
Judy recently posted a "note" on Facebook, extolling the virtues of her "Favorite Child". I know I only have one child, so can't possibly understand, but my blood ran cold when I read the rambling account of her heroic youngest child, who has won her heart over the other two because she cares more about Mommy and Mommy's feelings than the other two do. (I coudn't resist making a comment, warning her that she'd better hope her other kids never read that, because it's never the favorite child who winds up caring for Mommy when Mommy becomes old and feeble!)
Lately, Judy has taken to harrassing me at church. She seeks me out, we exchange some small talk, then she asks me what I think about something. I fall for it every time. Whatever opinion I express, she immediately disagrees with me and starts listing examples of why she thinks I'm wrong. I've tried everything to keep from ending up in a debate with her. When I agree with her, she starts to nitpick the semantics of however I agree with her, absolutely refusing to allow me to see things her way. When I say something to the effect that she may have a point, I don't really feel strongly one way or another, she will go into a diatribe about why I should care strongly one way or another. When I just walk away from her, she follows me through the halls, badgering me until the church service starts. Even if I act like she's upsetting me, it doesn't slow her down or give her pause. Nothing helps.
It's gotten so bad that I don't even go to my Friday morning bible study group anymore, because I can't avoid an encounter with her - whatever we try to discuss, she has to point out the flaws in what I say, even when I try to agree with her. And it doesn't matter the topic - we could be discussing gay marriage rights or whether to wear your hair in a ponytail when you exercise. I've even tried taking the other side when she brings up a topic we've already "debated" - no avail. Whatever position I take, she takes the opposite.
Now she's started stalking my comments on Facebook. If I make any editorial remark about anything, she jumps in to attack whatever point I'm trying to make, and seems to be trying to discredit me personally.
I don't think she realizes how aggravating this has become for me. She is a frustrated would-be intellectual who never outgrew the collegiate "quest for knowledge" mindset which requires that you play devil's advocate under any and all situations.
How do I continue to give this person the benefit of the doubt? She has demonstrated a very deep-seated lack of self-awareness combined with an equally deep-seated narcissism and insensitivity to others, which I think is compounded by the fact that she believes she is living a life "beneath her station", so she is fundamentally unhappy. I can understand why she behaves the way she does, and those who know me are right now thinking (rightfully so) that I can be called out for behaving the same way on occasion (I hope just on occasion!?).
That's why I don't want to dismiss this friend out of hand. I'm certainly not the one to be casting the first stone, "without sin"-wise. And for all the faults I'm focusing on in this rant, I do care about this person and cherish her friendship.
But I find myself cringing internally when I see her at church (if I see her first, I try to avoid contact) and I'm on the verge of hiding her (and maybe un-friending her) on Facebook, because she never seems to have anything kind to say - it's always something argumentative.
I miss looking forward to talking to her, and I'm not sure how to fix it. *sigh*
Thanks for reading! Your comments are welcome and appreciated...
(I guess it might not seem like that from this rant, huh?)
2 comments:
Ah yes, the vampire personality, suckinng the life and enjoyment of life from you at every chance they get. I have experienced this personality before, and the only thing that has seemed to work is to tell them flat out that I just can't take their attitude anymore. I try to tell them gently that I do still care for them, but being around them or talking about ANYTHING just seems to bring out their negative emotions. I have also asked those people to seek serious help from a qualified counselor. Granted, every encounter I've had like this usually ends the friendship, because a person like that really does not believe they could be at fault. But I have had a much happier life since those encounters. I've also tried telling someone that although I love chatting with them, I was going to plug my ears and say "LA LA LA LA LA" at the top of my voice anytime I felt like they were being negative or criticizing me. This led to a rather fun night at a Perkins once. Come to think of it, that friendship pretty much fizzled too. Not a fun situation for you, let me know if I can help in any way. Good Luck!
Thanks bro - you're right that there is a huge risk of ending the friendship, which is exactly what I'm hoping to avoid.
Part of the issue for me is that for me to blatantly point out her argumentative attitude could be seen as the pot calling the kettle rusted, because I do enjoy a good intellectual joust now and again, and if I feel very strongly about a topic (like gay marriage rights) it's not something I can easily just walk away from.
But even somebody as opinionated as me has a point at which I realize there are a LOT of things just not worth arguing about (like why I don't like the changes to Facebook. I'm not going to stop using it, but I don't like it. If you ask, that's about all I have to say on the matter, so don't chase me through church trying to change my mind...just for example).
In lieu of direct confrontation, I thought I'd take an indirect, semi-joking, scattershot approach by posting a snarky status update with just enough tongue-in-cheek that MOST of my friends jumped in by contributing sarcastic jokes as comments, or "liking" it.
(Something like "Stephanie doesn't like dealing with people who are contentious just for the sake of argument. Make your point and let it go, and don't copy and paste the same thing to a bunch of different threads on FB or you may make us 'hide' or 'unfriend' you. If it's that important, write it as a note". to which most replied things like "hey, I never do that! no...wait..." or "do you need a hug?" or "I'm sorry I'm new to Facebook and don't know any better" or "geeze, bad day?")
Naturally, "JUDY" was one of the first to respond, writing (with no apparent sense of irony) something like "I'm not contentious just for the sake of argument" and then going on to tell me why I'm wrong to suggest otherwise. Not in the joking way that everyone else commented.
It actually gave me a chuckle, especially after hearing from many people who've shared the same experience (though not necessarily due to Judy) and I think it opened the door for me, so the next time Judy tries to debate me over somtething silly, I can use a friendly teasing tone to say "is this just for the sake of argument?"
Let's see if it works...
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